How to Be in Relationship and Thrive
By Betty Louise


Today in our country the divorce rate is more than fifty percent and there are more single than married people. CNN recently hosted a special titled Marriage Meltdown. What gives? To be sure, there are plenty of people out there who long for a loving relationship in which they can truly thrive. So how can we find that – how can we create that kind of relationship? An easy –yet usually fruitless – option is to wait for the other person or the situation to change. Believing the problem is "out there" puts you in a waiting, reactive cycle. In this article, we're going to start from the inside – where you do have control. It's what I like to call "keeping it over here." Here are some ways to do that.

#1: Take exquisite care of yourself.
Because you're the only one who can. That's right. Don't be lulled into believing someone else will always be there to take care of you – it's a recipe for disaster. So what does it mean to take exquisite care of yourself? It starts with loving yourself. "You need to love yourself the way you want to be loved by others" is the often-heard statement that carries so much truth. If your focus is on getting the other person to love you, you set yourself up for an inevitable rollercoaster ride – he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me... But when you generate the love from within, you are able to feel love always...and show others how to love you in the process.

One of the ways to love yourself is to honor your core values. By doing so, you are showing yourself that you really matter...that you are important. Your values are an integral part of you. By staying aligned with them, you are able to show yourself love no matter who you are with or where you are.

Practice suggestions: Begin each morning with the intention of loving yourself. Find one specific action that you will take to achieve that. It might be as simple as taking ten deep breaths throughout the day or taking a brisk walk.

#2: Communicate with truth and compassion. The first agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's best-selling book "The Four Agreements" is: Speak with impeccable truth. Our truth is our feelings, our desires, and our needs. To express our truth impeccably is where we often get tripped up because we don't "keep it over here." We express our truth by using "I" messages. "I" messages begin with "I feel" (whether or not we actually speak or write these words) followed by a true feeling word. Examples of true feeling words are angry, disappointed, frustrated, frightened. An extensive list is at the end of this article (from the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg). When we use non-feeling words (attacked, betrayed, misunder-stood, etc.), we are actually expressing our interpretation rather than our feelings. This usually puts the listener on the defensive and makes it difficult for him or her to take in what you have said. Catch hidden you messages embedded in "I feel" sentences such as "I feel angry when YOU don't call me." Begin to create a conscious and mindful practice of using feeling words combined with a compassionate tone and body position.

Another form of compassionate communication is to ask for what you want and need one hundred percent of the time...AND then stick around and negotiate. When we are in relationship, especially long term relationships, we often begin to think that our partner should know what we want. This is a very dangerous place to go because it is impossible to always know what another unique human being may want and need. If we do not value our needs enough to ask to have them met, others won't either.

A powerful form of compassionate communication is to speak from appreciation rather than approval. The difference between the two is in intent. When we grant approval, we do so because the other person has performed in a way that pleases us. It is manipulative in that we give it with the hope that the person continues to perform in that way. On the other hand, when we offer appreciation, we give it spontaneously and from the heart. We have no attachment to the outcome. Appreciation is a true gift. Be aware of your intent when you offer positive feedback to others – make sure it's a gift and doesn't come with strings attached.

Practice suggestions: Review the list of feeling words and choose the one that describes your experience. Commit yourself to a daily practice of expressing your feelings with a sentence that begins with "I feel...." Find an opportunity to use the sentence "I want and need...." Both of these expressions are foreign to most of us so they need to be practiced often. Have patience!

#3: Look for the learning. Relationships are in our lives to teach us about ourselves. In fact, relationship is our greatest personal-growth and spiritual classroom. When things are tough, if we can shift our focus from "out there" to "over here," we have taken a major step toward gaining control and opening ourselves to what there is for us to learn. In the process, we completely let go of changing our partner, which of course we had no control over anyway.

In her wonderful book, Fit for Love, Olga Sheean talks about our missing pieces. She describes missing pieces as those elements of emotional nourishment that we most needed early in life and did not get. She goes on to say..."Our external world always reflects back to us what is going on inside at a deeper, subconscious level. This is usually the only way we realize that something is missing within us. Without that external mirror, we would have difficulty seeing ourselves. When we are missing certain forms of emotional nourishment, we therefore attract situations and relationships that lack these same emotional elements. These components will continue to be missing in our lives – and to be reflected back to us – until we learn how to provide them for ourselves. This is why relationships can sometimes be extremely frustrating. They act as our personal mirrors and sounding boards, challenging us to make ourselves complete." Olga identifies acceptance, trust, authenticity and intimacy as the most fundamental missing pieces in many relationships.

Practice suggestions: Journal about what you are learning in your relationship. Keep your writings to YOUR experience of it. Identify what missing pieces are present for you (remember, we all have them). Once you put words to it, then strategize how to fill in the missing parts...consider hiring a life coach if you do not know how to begin with this process.

#4: Look for small ways to shift and change your relationship.
But not before you look at what's working well. That's always the place to build from. To make this exercise easier, I've created a Wheel of Relationship – similar to the Wheel of Life that we've used many times to look at different areas of our lives. (See www.coachbetty.com for more on the Wheel of Life.) Here is the Wheel of Relationship.



What I find valuable about this wheel is that it gives many – at least nine – different areas where you can begin to shift and change your relationship. It also helps points out what is working well. Stop for a moment and feel appreciation for those areas that bring you joy. Pay attention to what created that harmony so you can find ways to build on it in areas that are less satisfying. Be bold, be creative, be flexible...but don't attach expectations to what you may say or do. You may need to knock on the doors of several different relationship areas before you find one that's open to change. If you're in a long-term relationship that has been stuck for awhile, getting unstuck may take perseverance. Be patient and celebrate any positive change – no matter how small.

Practice suggestions: Fill out (and save) your relationship wheel. Use one of the "feeling words" from the list at the end to describe how you feel about what you see. You may want to express appreciation to your partner for what you have together. Make a specific request for something you'd like to change. Or perhaps, you initiate change by something you give to your partner or do differently. Anything that changes an existing dynamic can potentially shift the relationship in positive ways.

Visit your wheel once a month to see what has changed. Has your "feeling word" changed? Always note positive changes first. Don't forget, your wheel shows you many avenues to shift your relationship.


In closing As human beings, we are meant to relate – to self, to others, to the world around us. Creating and sustaining loving relationships is a lifelong journey complete with experiencing the full range of human emotions. When we challenge ourselves to "keep it over here." we can begin to respond rather than react in our relationships.


To thrive in a relationship is one of the greatest joys in life.


Blessings.



Building a Vocabulary for Feelings
(taken from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion by Marshall Rosenberg)

How we may feel when our needs are being met


Adventurous
Affectionate
Alive
Amazed
Amused
Animated
Appreciative
Aroused
Astonished
Breathless
Buoyant
Calm
Carefree
Cheerful
Comfortable
Confident
Contented
Curious
Delighted
Eager
Ecstatic
Encouraged
Engrossed
Enthusiastic
Excited
Expansive
Fascinated
Free
Friendly
Fulfilled
Glad
Glorious
Glowing
Grateful
Happy
Hopeful
Inspired
Intense
Intrigued
Joyful
Mello
Moved
Optimistic
Peaceful
Pleased
Proud
Quiet
Radiant
Relaxed
Satisfied
Secure
Sensitive
Serene
Surprised
Thankful
 How we may feel when our needs are not being met


Trusting
Afraid
Aggravated
Agitated
Angry
Annoyed
Anxious
Ashamed
Bitter
Bored
Chagrined
Confused
Cross
Depressed
Detached
Disappointed
Discouraged
Disgusted
Downcast
Embarrassed
Exasperated
Exhausted
Fearful
Frightened
Frustrated
Furious
Guilty
Helpless
Hurt
Impatient
Indifferent
Jealous
Lonely
Mad
Miserable
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Perplexed
Reluctant
Resentful
Sad
Scared
Shocked
Skeptical
Sorry
Surprised
Terrified
Tired
Troubled
Uncomfortable
Uneasy
Unhappy
Upset
Uptight
Vexed
 How we interpret others NOT feeling words


Weary
Worried
Abandoned
Abused
Attacked
Betrayed
Boxed-in
Bullied
Cheated
Coerced
Cornered
Diminished
Distrusted
Ignored
Intimidated
Let down
Manipulated
Misunderstood
Neglected
Overworked
Patronized
Pressured
Provoked
Put down
Rejected
Taken for granted
Threatened
Unappreciated
Unheard
Unseen
Unsupported
Unwanted
Used




Avoid these words when expressing your feelings.




Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion
by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Fit for Love
by Olga Sheean

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers
by Debbie Ford

The Four Agreements
The Mastery of Love
The Voice of Knowledge
By Don Miguel Ruiz